Thursday, October 11, 2007

Of Mice and Men: Starring DanO

Last week Dan and I decided to make a little wager on the Broncos vs. Chargers game. As many of you know, I'm from Colorado, and as such, am a die hard Broncos fan. Seeing as how the Broncos typically beat the Chargers, I thought this was a safe bet. It was the first time I had ever bet on the Broncos and it turned out to be their worst home loss since 1970...ouch. This is my punishment...I think I've learned my lesson.

The following was written by Dan. I have promised not to make any changes or edits to his prose (please forgive me):

Let’s play an easy game, kay! All you have to do is tell me which one of these decrepit creatures is: a) the plague-spreading, scum-eating vermin, and b) the bilge-wallowing, whine-drunk rat?

While you are thinking, you also may wonder why I, DanO, am taking a little test drive through the blogosphere courtesy of Miss Renee’s Wild Ride, and I am more than happy to answer that. I love every single thing about Renee. We both share the same impeccable taste in music. We both love the 4th of July and jumping pictures. We were LOSTfest OGs and though she may not cop to it, secretly I KNOW that she thinks Grey’s Anatomy is as ridiculous as I do. The only time I ever had to blow the whistle on Renee, it involved roller derby and unsportsmanlike conduct. NEVERTHELESS, I guide my life by principles, including that of an ancient Chinese proverb that I’m sure someone has to have coined at some important point in history: “Wise is the man that takes advantage of opportunity, yea, even as it presents itself.”

Last week, Renee and I were “chatting” on the gmail, as we so often do. I was busy making monkey emoticons while she was trying to spell sounds. We broke from this simultaneously wordless yet profound communication to realize that our respective hometown football teams would be getting it on mano y mano on SUNDAY, sunday, (sunday) on the gridiron. One thing led to the next, and before we knew it, Renee and I had a dandy of a bet on the game. If the Denver Broncos win, I have to buy an annoying looking Broncos necktie, wear it to church, AND get photographic evidence of the desecration of my reputation as the second biggest San Diego homer in the Los Angeles area. (EvRo still holds the top spot.) BUT, if the Chargers win, I get to take the Wild Ride out for a spin. No spread, in Denver, Broncos favored to win. No problem. You KNOW I was in on that action.

Sunday afternoon, while good Mormons everywhere listened to prophetic counsel with half open eyes in their sweats around the world, The San Diego Chargers put a beatdown of historic proportions on the Broncos. The Bolts had their way all day long like MEN from days of yore, playing with a bunch of ratty kids from the block. The final score was 41-3, making it the Broncos’ worst home loss since the 1970 AFL-NFL merger. Can I repeat that? 41-3. Broncos’ worst home loss since 1970.

A quick note on my personal suffering. For most of my life, the Chargers would have been the laughingstock of the NFL, had only they been worthy of being noticed at all! I may sound bitter, but while Broncos were making three of four super bowls, and then winning two consecutive super bowls, and producing umpteen straight 1,000 yard rushers, and John Elway amassed Hall of Fame stats, the Chargers were mired somewhere between mediocrity and complete futility. The year we did go to the Super Bowl, we got creamed by Steve Young’s 49ers in embarrassing fashion. The supposed savior of the franchise, Ryan Leaf, had about three quarters of solid, #2 pick in the draft football before he threw the franchise for a five-year loss. Even last year when we had our best season in franchise history, a 14-2 record, and an NFL MVP, we found a way to beat the Patriots and STILL lose the game. To quote my boy Jim Rome, the thing we do best is snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

So not to pile on, but I’m going to pile on. I DESERVE IT! Very few things happen only once every 37 years. I could really only think of comets, and apparently a beatdown like this. I cant even tell you how satisfying it was to see Broncos fans leave their own stadium during the 3rd quarter, in total dejection. Few know how long this has been in coming. PLEASE check out this clip with all you need to know about the mauling. I can’t explain it any better.

So back to our little game. Let me lay out a few points that may help inform your guess:
  1. Mike Shanahan was the first coach to start calling timeouts to freeze the kicker AFTER the snap, as he did in the Broncos Week 1 survival of the Raiders. This disgusting practice has spread like a plague around the NFL, infecting at least FOUR games that I have watched, and changing the outcome in three of them. Someone out there may object that there is no rule prohibiting acting like a punk-rat-cheat, and I don’t disagree. But play the game like a MAN, and don’t ruin the game with the phantom rat timeout.

  2. Mike Shanahan is ruining a model franchise by selecting the bilge dregs of the draft, and signing scum of free agency. Observe a few examples:
    a. Maurice Clarett – OSU scandals, Armed Robbery arrest, rolls with an AK-47 and a hatchet. (Today was a good day!)
    b. Travis Henry - Suspended for a year for drugs, has more illegitimate children than Shawn Kemp.
    c. Brandon Marshall – domestic violence, yadda, yadda
    d. David Kircus – Second degree assault. Yawn.

  3. Mike Shanahan lives in Denver has a tan in December. I imagine that he has one in January too, but I haven’t seen him in January lately.

  4. Shanahan is a bigger whiner than Pete Carroll. And that is really saying something. Yet over the years, the Broncos have caught more lucky breaks than any other team that I can think of. Yeah I’m bitter. Their luck continues with two wins this year decided by luck (Janikowski FG off the crossbar, second scraping against the Bills). The Broncos could easily be 0-5 this year.

  5. Shanahan’s rodent resemblance is remarkable.

If you chose either a) or b), YOU WIN!! You are on your way to becoming a Chargers fan in full perpetual suffering. Hopefully the next few years will be nice, but we did just fire a coach that got us 14-2 and we did just hire Norv Turner. I have been praying to wake up from this awful nightmare. Let’s just hope that with all the talent the Bolts have under contract, we can get just one measly championship. And let’s kick the Broncos while they are down. Heaven knows, it might not last too long.

So now that I control a pro-Bronco blog for a day, there’s only one thing I really want to say.

Chargers rule. Broncos (and Raiders) suck.




cheyney webb said...

Dan you need a blog. Come join the party permanently.

Love you both, And can't we all just get along and root for the Cougs?


jbeany said...

Bravo DanO! When are you going to join all the rest of your cool friends in this great blogosphere?!

Renee, I do feel bad that you have to put up with DanO's comments about your Bronco's on your OWN blog, but not that bad. It was pretty entertaining!

Love you guys!

Evan said...

BEAUTIFUL!!! This guest spot by Dan-O was as perfect as the previous post was heretical.

1) I couldn't have described the historic BEAT DOWN our Bolts put on those Denver Donkeys in their house better than Dan-O did.

2) Appreciate the shout as the #1 SD fan in LA, but see #1 for another worthy possibility.

3) That BEAT DOWN was the sports gods' response to two things:
a) A resounding objection to Renee's public bashing of baseball.
b) A reponse to the fact that Matt Holliday STILL has not touched home plate.

4) The mass exodus that occurred midway through the 3rd quarter will come back to haunt Denver "fans" because it shows they don't deserve a world series championship. The "Rox" will be destroyed in the World Series if they get there.

As much as I agree that a Dan-O blog would be a wonderful thing, I don't think it would be as good as this post on Renee's blog.

Thank you Dan-O for making my week great.

Carrie said...

Dan, you seriously do need a blog!! I thoroughly enjoyed reading your guest blog spot.

i'm courtney said...

Dan, you may be a great writer, but there is a reason I read girl blogs. Renee--don't make any more bets.

Annalisa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Annalisa said...

:) yup, boston does play Denver tonight. No bets though...I see you already lost a bet so I wouldn't want that to happen again. And, it took some energy to not say anything sarcastic about Denver. :)